A Wedding
by Raquelita
Summary: This, Lily reminded herself, was exactly right. This was exactly the way everyone had expected things to turn out – exactly the way they were meant to turn out. And she was happy...but there are different sorts of happiness. Sirius/Lily/James angst. enjoy


**A/N: wow, it's been ages since I've written anything. This story just popped into my head during class yesterday – prepare for the angst!**

This, Lily reminded herself, was exactly right. This was exactly the way everyone had expected things to turn out – exactly the way they were meant to turn out. She was merely following fate's plan for her. It was inevitable. And she was happy. It was just that there were different sorts of happiness, and Lily wasn't sure if this was the joy of a woman who was about to marry the love of her life, or the joy of a woman about to do what everyone she cared for had always hoped she would do.

It wasn't that she didn't love James. Lily knew that she loved him – she probably loved him more than she ever loved anyone. Well, almost anyone. And it was that 'almost' that was killing her.

Lily knew two different kinds of true love. On the one hand, there was the true love she was about to walk down the aisle to meet. It was fairytale love, really. It was sweet and gentle and so honest it hurt sometimes. It was adoration. It was acceptance of every single flaw and then the embracing of them. It was James Potter, and Lily would be marrying him in less than ten minutes.

But on the other hand, there was true love in an imperfect way. The sort of love that wasn't sweet and gentle and never claimed to be a fairytale. It was fiery and harsh and blurred the lines between love and lust. It could be destructive, but it could also heal. It saw the flaws and ignored them because they didn't matter. It was raw attraction that had somehow fallen in love. It was –

A hurried knock came from the other side of the door.

"Come in," Lily called, staring at herself in the mirror and trying to calm her thoughts. Her big green eyes always seemed to give away exactly what she was thinking, and she knew that if anyone saw her confusion – especially today – it could be disastrous. Carefully masking it with what she hoped looked like simple wedding nerves, she heard the door creak open and looked to the reflection of the door.

Her eyes met with the reflected eyes of Sirius Black.

"Sirius," Lily said, "I didn't think you would … I mean I …"

"Alice said you wanted to see me," he said simply, not taking his eyes off hers in the mirror as he came up behind her, "What sort of best man to the groom would I be if I denied his bride's request?"

Lily sighed, tearing her eyes away from his and looking down to smooth her simple white dress.

"Lily…" Sirius took her chin in his hand and turned her to face him, "What did you need?"

"You," Lily said, before she could stop herself. It was the feel of his skin on her skin, the smell of him that had become so familiar, the way his voice sounded when he spoke her name. She hadn't been able to stop that one word from escaping her mouth.

Sirius gave an aggravated sigh and moved his fingers from her chin.

"We've been over this Lily," he said, "You had to choose, you made the right choice. You know you can't have us both."

"I know," Lily replied quietly.

"No," Sirius said, suddenly louder, "No you don't know. You don't get it Lily – you're losing me, but you get to have James. I'm losing you and what do I have? Nothing! All I can do is try to get over you and here you are telling me you need me on the day of your wedding to another man. Do you think that makes it easy?"

They'd had this conversation one million times. Lily understood that Sirius was angry with her, and she knew that he had reason to be. She was yanking him around the same way she'd yanked James around – the only difference was that she'd never told James she was seeing his best friend. It would have torn him apart. Sirius had known. He'd known, and he'd had to live with being the dirty little secret every second of everyday. When they fought about this it usually ended in their making up. But this time was different. They both knew it. There was no going back after today.

Lily was silent for a moment, "No," she said finally, "You're right Sirius. It isn't fair for me to keep doing this to you. I just … I'm so confused, and I don't know if that confusion is ever going to go away. When I'm with you I'm one person and when I'm with James I'm someone entirely different. I don't know which one is the real me – I don't know which version of happiness is the right one. What if I made the wrong choice?"

Sirius was face to face with her in an instant, their noses almost touching.

"What if you did Lily?" he whispered, a dangerous edge to his voice, "But then again, what if you didn't? Whatever decision you make, it's the one we'll all have to live with. Whose heart would you rather break?"

Lily stared into his eyes, shocked at the honest wave of emotion that suddenly radiated from them.

"If you ask me not to do this," she found herself saying, "I won't do it."

Sirius stared at her long and hard before breaking away.

"Why would you make this my decision?" he asked quietly, looking heartbroken. "I thought you knew me better than this Lily – I could never do anything to hurt James."

"I'm not asking you to hurt him."

"Yes you are. You know what it would do to him if you left, especially if you left because of me. I couldn't do it – I can't do it. I won't ask you not to marry him."

Lily took a deep breath, "Okay then," she said, "That's it."

Sirius nodded sadly, "That's it. Please don't be upset Lily, I – "

"There's nothing to be upset about," Lily cut it a little too quickly, "I love you both Sirius, but you're right, it isn't fair for me to ask you to hurt your best friend this way. I apologize for that."

Sirius was surprised by the cold layer that sat over Lily's words. Within seconds she seemingly closed herself off from him.

"I have a groom to marry," Lily continued, giving Sirius one of the most unconvincing smiles he'd ever seen, "So if you wouldn't mind stepping out, I'll see you at the alter in a few minutes."

Sirius nodded and turned to go. When his hand was on the door, her looked back at her one last time. Their eyes met, and for a split second they both saw the future they could've had if he saw her at the alter as the groom, not the best man.

And ten minutes later, when Lily finally stood facing James looking more beautiful than Sirius had ever seen her, reciting the vows that would bind them together forever, Sirius knew they would be happy. But he also found himself wishing he'd had the courage to say those three little words that she'd asked him to say. The words that would have changed everything.

_Don't do it. _

**A/N: oooh, the angst. Reviews are sunshine on a rainy day!**


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